Hossein and Elahe, come from Qom, Iran's most restricted and holy city, known for breeding extremist ideologies that shaped the Iranian regime. There, gender separation and sexual sensitivity are at their peak, and women's rights are severely limited. Mandatory hijab is taught in schools as a means of ensuring society's sexual safety.
Despite these measures, Hossein suffered multiple incidents of rape and sexual abuse by men during his childhood, causing deep emotional scars and lasting effects on his self-confidence and family planning decisions. The societal taboos and traditional gender stereotypes made it incredibly challenging for Hossein to talk about his experiences.
Hossein and Elahe tried to immigrate several times, because of many reasons but more importantly Hossein was seeking a better place to raise their future children, but unfortunately, it did not alleviate Hossein's concerns.
Now, Elahe has become aware of Hossein's traumatic experiences and is determined to support his husband through his healing journey. Given the advice of their therapist they come back again to Qom to heal Hossein’s concerns within where it was initiated.
We talk a lot about sexual violance and we keep saying it happens and it needs to be stopped, but we rarely educate ourselves about how to support the survivors, especially if it is our childeren. We can not accept it has happened to our childeren.
We somehow need to redefine what it means to be a man.
Whenver I think about what it means to be a man I can not remember anything aside being musle man, not showing emotions and not asking for help.
When I can not come up with another definition how I'm going to break the stigma and sterotypes and ask for mental health.
For a long long time, I had been looking for a film about this topic, but I never found one, especially with a male child character and especially from Iran or from my region. So, when my therapist told me that I have to talk about my experiences with my parents, I thought that if I’m going to talk about it with my parents, then I’m going to make it into a film. I had many reasons why I wanted it to be a film.
Since my childhood, I have seen a lot of human rights violations and discrimination in my society, such as gender segregation and mandatory hijab for women. I have always wondered why these violations and discrimination exist in our society. Whenever I asked about them in my family or school, I was told that those are necessary for the safety of society. Each time they gave me this answer, I wanted to say “but our society is not safe”, however I was not brave enough to talk about my experiences. So, I have been looking for a film that addresses these issues, and I have not been able to find one.
Additionally, I had seen many films, talks, conversations, and movements like MeToo that address sexual harassment and child abuse. I could see how these efforts have had a positive impact on society, such as making parents more careful with their daughters and how much it helped on the mental health of victims. But as a male victim, I was missing such a safe atmosphere. Definitely toxic masculinity stereotypes had made it very difficult for me to start any conversation as well.
I decided to make my story into a film for anyone who needs to see it to not feel alone, as I felt. And for anyone who wants to talk about these issues but are not yet ready to share their own experiences and seek a sample of that. And at the same time I wanted to challenge toxic masculinity and show how it can damage mental health. Finally, I wanted to criticise all human rights violations that are committed in the name of assuring sexual safety.
Last but not least, Can I Hug You? is a love story between me and my wife. It's about how much she supported me on this journey. It’s about how important it is to be prepared to support our beloved survivors.
Elahe Esmaili's debut short documentary, "THE DOLL" (2021), won Best International Short at Hot Docs 2021 and was nominated or selected for several prestigious awards; including the International Documentary Association (IDA), Critics Choice Awards and Student Academy Awards. The film also appeared in more than 50 other festivals, such as Full Frame, Atlanta, and Athens IFVF.
Elahe is a MA graduate in Directing from the National Film and Television School in the UK, and a BA from Tehran University of Art in Iran. In "CAN I HUG YOU?" her recent work, Elahe takes a brave decision to share a depper personal story.
Elahe is concerned about children's and women's rights, and committed to tell the stories of successful women around the world who push boundaries and overcome challenges related to these issues.
“In all of these years, this is the only piece of media that I have seen on this topic that I can share with my family, because I know they will be comfortable watching it.”
Tanaka Mhishi, Filmmaker/Activist and Trustee of multiple sexual violence NGOs, said.
“The film is genuinely revolutionary because we always see male survivors very disconnected from everything else, but this film embeds them within the fabric of family and everyday life as normal persons.”
Fay Maxted, CEO of SurvivorTrustUK said.
“It is hard to think of a more intimate and honest documentary which treats its subject in such a respectful and moving way.”
William Hemingway, UK Film Review.
You're right. She [your mother] didn't know what to do, just like me. I also don't know what to do on this occasion. Nobody has educated us, not only in your country but also here [in the UK].(A mother from Sheffield)
It's crucial to see particularly a people of color, open up and sharing their experiences. Many of our clients of color often express that their family dynamics are unique, so seeing someone who resembles them and comes from a similar family background is very important. (An activist)
My therapist also told me to open up about my experiences. I was like, 'I may talk about this with some one but never my parents.' I totally understand how difficult it must have been for you to discuss this with your family, especially coming from a conservative background.
I felt deeply connected to your film, and I' been thinking about it for days. It might be helping me too to open up about my own experience. Thanks for sharing. (Anonymous female)
Women's freedom to choose their clothing or control their bodies should never be seen as a threat to anything else.
It's sad that our male authorities, instead of addressing male violence, impose more restrictions on women. I love that your film is also addressing this topic, especially in these days of Iran. (An Iranian female)
I feel deeply connected when you saying, "Everybody expects you to be a strong man: supporting and helping everyone, not asking for help."
Who made these rules? Can't men ask for help? Why do people start seeing me differently when I ask for help? (A 30-ish man in London)
I hope everyone sees CAN I HUG YOU?. Nothing more than this film provoked me to do something.
I hope the authorities understand that ignoring the issue doesn't mean it doesn't exist. (An Iranian 40-ish man)
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